At times I swear I’m not breathing. I’m speechless and that statement alone will contradict this paragraph. I can’t say I feel hurt or sad or mad because I don’t feel. I feel nothing. I feel empty. I never knew how pain could be so numbing. The jagged edges of the hole in the center of my being are cutting into me so hard, so repeatedly. I’m raw and hollow and the constant prodding is so immense, so intense that I feel nothing. I’ve become nothing. I don’t know how to act. It’s like I’m only living because my body’s accustomed to going through the motions, it’s used to the routines of my daily life or at least the life I’ve built safe for everyone to see. There are no words in my heart. Nothing I can say to release the unbearable pain flowing through me, radiating from all my nerve endings and gnawing at my absurdly fragile heart. The kind that’s so unbearable the body shuts down. The walls of my core have turned to stone and the hole in my center has become an infinite abyss of darkness. My thoughts have become meaningless and sleep has become my ultimate desire. But the anxiety within me makes rest impossible and eating repulsing. I’m literally empty, just withering away. I don’t know how I’ll handle the pain once I’ve worn off the numbness. Such excruciating pain. Somehow I’ve managed to continue breathing, but at times I swear I’m not.
